Undulations of Change

The never ending road meanders through. There are many paths; some distractions and others necessary detours. We climb mountains to find ourselves in valleys. We lay on the valley floor looking to the sky thinking about the future or contemplating the past. It seems that our life flashes by in a moment and we wonder where all of the time has went. Time, has went no where and... neither have we. Sure, the scenery changes. However, we are not here, nor there, nor coming, nor going. We are... HERE.

For the sake of this moment, I invite you to arrive. When you are done reading, you can go back to the future or forward to the past. This, however, friend, is an opportunity. The present... is a gift! That is, if you choose to open it.

Not all gifts come in a perfectly wrapped package. Some gifts, take a little work to see the gift.

Let's unPACK this!

I sat down to write and could not write. I sat down to draw an image from a sketch I had made years ago, however could not bring myself to do it. I sat there bubbling with frustration, let go and scribbled all over the page. From there I colored in to fill up an abstract image. It worked, however I discounted it because I told myself it was a disconnected meaningless scribble. Either way, there was movement. Following that thread, I sat to write this blog and there were a million fragments of ideas and nothing that seems worthy or whole of a bigger image. I was so frustrated with not being able to "create" anything.

At one point in life, I was a creator. I made art, dances, experiences and opportunities for people to connect and grow. I created so much, the creations began to take over. I moved to a bigger space and created even more. Then there was a point where I became a director and a producer. I produced shows and events that stemmed off of what I had created. Busy in the business of producing, life flowed.

Many moons ago, I was in a life transition. With a commitment to do something that I loved, I gave up almost everything I owned and moved into a VW Bus. It was brought to my attention at the time that I was known by those who didn't know me as "the hopeless wander". In reflection I went from being the "hopeless wander" to a focused producer of fire shows. The fire consumed me. Focused, determined and inspired I burned through 25 years of life. The thing about fire is that it is an exothermic chemical reaction that needs three components to be a fire: Heat + Oxygen + Fuel. If any one of those is removed, it is NOT fire. When the fuel runs out, the fire goes away. If the oxygen is removed, the fire is extinguished. Without heat there is no combustion.

As I sat here the other night, I felt the drudgery of a creative block I have been ignoring. I wanted to think it was new, however when I followed the trajectory of it I can follow it way back to a point where I started optimizing the fire shows. I stopped making new music sets, new dances, new shows, new art. Instead I was repeating the same show over and over again. The thing with show BUSYness is once you have something people like, you just keep doing it. I used to think I needed to create something new every time and then I learned that people wanted to know what to expect. They loved it when they could anticipate that cool moment in the show when a certain thing happened. They wanted to tell their friends about it and bring them to the next show. Because we were good at it, we were reliable and our audiences could rely on us to produce a certain caliber of show experience that left the audience with a certain feeling - the reward. This may be success in show business, yet it is death to the creator.

At some point along the journey, I had to STOP creating because there was no time and space for new creations. The producer relied on effective systems that were repeated so many times they engrained well worn grooves so deep into the neural pathways they may have become like rock carvings.

Starving Artist

One way to starve the artist is when the relationship with the Critical Perfectionist is not balanced. The Critical Perfectionist means well. The idea is to create something and elevate it to the pinnacle of perfection. Yet, the artist wants to play. It doesn't care about perfection. When the artist tries to silence the perfectionist or the perfectionist tries to correct, analyze, scrutinize the artist; their relationship becomes toxic. They both seek validation. When I am in the act of creating, this is the domain of the artist. Once the artist has been fed, the artist opens the door of listening to see what the perfectionist has to say. The perfectionist knows that there is a respectful way to speak to the artist. They have a conversation and if the artist is inspired by the perfectionist's ideas, the artist plays more. The perfectionist respects the space and time of the artist. When the creation is complete, the perfectionist backs off for it knows that post creation is where the artist gets to revel in their creation and appreciate the beauty. Like all relationships, it's about boundaries. Being mindful of the relationship with the critical perfectionist can make it an ally. Give it room to micro fix and let it know at what point it's crossing the boundary. It is by this way it learns its limits.

The artist doesn't always want everything perfect.

The starving artist is one who does not feed their creative side. Though systems may help get one into the flow, rarely is the artist fed by order, criticism, perfection, and over production. In fact, a sure way to burn out the creative side, is to over produce the soil. Eventually, the crop will need to be rotated to give the soil a change to regenerate. To kindle the fire, feed the artist.

CHANGE is INEVITABLE

Sometimes what one feeds the artist, needs to change. Perhaps an artist is nourished by a relationship, being in survival mode, by a substance, a food, an extreme life style, or habit. At some point however, the source of "food" no longer works. It becomes an addiction if in order to be creative one needs to partake of or do something. If that thing disappears, then so does the creative expression. The artist may last on reserves for a while, however the creative well will run dry. When the fuel has burnt of the wick, the wick will burn next. If you want to preserve your wick, shorten the burn.

Fire dancing was my life line. It was the heat that sparked my creative wellspring. From hopeless wanderer to life beyond my wildest dreams. Life beyond my wildest dreams, 25 years, here and gone in a flash.

With no fuel, there is no drive.

For years my fuel was a fast moving white gas. Highly toxic with a low flash point. It was the most show worthy fuel. It lit on vapor and was not intimidated by water nor wind.

Confused, uninspired, extremely exhausted and burnt out, I hung onto things I had written and created. Life worked even though many of the components were toxic. Not all fuels are equal. Some fuels have a high flash point and take more heat to ignite with a slow burn, like wood. Wood feeds the fire. Water feeds wood. Follow the cycle of life.

I was unable to make anything new, barely able to write in journals, inspiration came in small bursts that were short lived. Bored, burnt out and uninspired.

The car stalled years ago, the show must go on. The thing about a good system, is once it's mastered you can go through the motions regardless of circumstances. You find a way. The system carries you through. It does not however, feed the artist.

Everything I have done that has fed my creative self has come to a long multi year halt. The river has run dry. It hurts. Inspiration snuffed out from the busyness. It's easy to brush aside our creative self. The creative self doesn't pay the bills, the producer does.

What NEXT?

I never considered what next. I was so immersed in the moment, I trusted the flow of the moment to carry me through. It did, and yet even with that there comes a time where the flow places us at a point in the river where the water is still like glass. We can see the sky in the water and a reflection of our self floating downstream along the remnants of the past that got dislodged from the recent rain.

There is no Lifeguard here.

Nothing changes until you change something. No one is going to save you, but yourself. During that 25 years, not only was I the producer, but the student. Being the student may have been one of the ingredients that made up the fuel. Though I taught classes, I took more of them. I loved letting the teacher lead the class and being the follower. Being the student was inspiring and yet also allowed me to hide. Rejecting the leader within, I let the teacher do the work. Through my work as a fire performer, I was called to step forward and lead. It was here that I had to show up and do the work. I carried the weight and tried to lighten the load for others. I did it all. That was the change at that juncture.

BE THE CHANGE...

In order to be the change one needs to know what the change is they can be. I think that is what is so frustrating. It feels like NOTHING is changing. Micro changes are happening, yet until all three components come together, we don't have fire. The little steps? identify what needs adjustment: Do you need a new type of fuel? Is the fuel system working properly? What is the oxygen? and... What is the temperature of the Heat source? For there to be fire, all conditions need to be in balance. Different fuels have different flash points, meaning they require more or less heat to ignite. Too much, or too little oxygen will upset the balance. A wet log won't burn.

If you are feeling exhausted, burned out, uninspired. here are the steps to facilitate a shift.

1. Identify the source of fuel and to what "temperature" it ignites at.

2. Has your fuel reserve run dry? Or does the type of fuel you are working with need to change?

3. What is your Oxygen?

4. What is the temperature of your heat source?

The Gift

Stop being the doer. Get out of your own way and allow life to unfold. You can't know what you don't know and your small dream no longer fits. To come into clarity, work on clearing the space so there is room to create. In order to grow the dream, declutter ideas, tasks, projects, energy, thoughts, emotions, data; Lighten UP.

The more you clear the more obvious it will be. As you create space, opportunities will arrive, go with it. Explore.

As for all processes, let nature take it's course. Summon your creativity up from the soul. It is not a suit you put on nor a thing that you rely on to fuel your ambition. Become the artist that creates without a guide or craft. Focus on your power, wisdom, and beauty. Do not be allured into thinking that something is wrong. Keep focusing on your gift until you feel validated and empowered.

It all flows from within; let it.

Infinite Blessings!

Sequoia Raven Moon

P.S. If you are interested in working with me on a process to find balance and rekindle your creative fire, reach out for one on one sessions.