Point of NO Return: Finding Your Way in Challenging Times

One WAY!

Have you ever made a wrong turn and found yourself going the wrong way on a one way road. In these moments perhaps you gathered yourself and turned the car around and proceeded forward. If all went well, you were able to shake it off.

Ok, now have you ever driven on one of those roads that went only one way?

I once drove off the beaten path and followed a dirt road that just kept getting smaller and smaller. One side a mountain wall and the other a straight drop down. I went so far, it occurred to me I didn't know where the road went and that there may be a point where I might get stuck. I had a moment of panic when I realized that there was no way to turn the car around. The sun was going down and there were zero lights. I took a breath and realized I was going to need to rely on my keen driving skills to swiftly back my way off the mountain before I lost all lighting.

This is like one of those moments. You may have taken off on this journey expecting to return, however the road washed out and there is no going back. Before you, empty space.

The empty space can invoke a sense of fear, resistance, and discomfort. The unknown is not comfortable and sometimes life gets a little uncomfortable; for a reason.

In the first phase of discomfort, one searches for comfort trying to fill in the empty space and secure the comfort boundary.

Figuring it out can look like attempting to fill in the empty space with objects to help create comfort. Consider the last time you felt uncomfortable. What did you do? Chances are you looked for a way to get into comfort again. I mean, this is the logical response, right? You feel pain, you look for a way to soothe the pain. You are cold, you put on a sweatshirt. You are in the midst of change you look for the way through. You are confused or unsure and try to figure it out, or don't know and seek to know. These are all natural responses. However they also present opportunities.

Change happens when we practice getting out of our comfort zone. Do you want to do it by choice or because you stayed comfortable too long and now you have to?

"But, I don't wanna!"

Stepping outside the comfort zone doesn't have to mean the most monumental leap into discomfort. I recently realized that I was feeling comfortable in my home. It was cold out, the weather was grey and my home is filled with beauty, color, brightness, and warmth. It is the safe zone. I noticed in this comfort zone there was also a dull lackadaisical stagnation. Everything nicely put, organized, pleasantly arranged wasn't quite doing it. It was like my inner rebel was screaming for change. To thrash about and turn things upside down to be right side up. I sat comfortably bubbling beneath the surface. I wasn't sure exactly what I needed, wanted, expected nor could I quite pinpoint the feeling. There was a vague angst hanging out within mirrored by the grey clouds without. It was not comfortable. Yet I wanted to resist leaning into it let alone admitting to myself that I was not comfortable. The more I tried to appease the feeling by fidgeting around my space, staying focused on the to do list, distracted by projects, hyping myself up, and meditating the more the anxiety drove itself up.

The SUN! I woke up and leaped outside to go for a jog in first SUN of the day. I came home and did my soul connection spiritual alignment feed the muse self care practice. After which, I took a shower. This fine day, as I stepped into the shower, I was greeted by freezing cold water. I do embrace cold showers, however usually at the end of a warm shower and after I mentally work myself up to breathe through the experience. This was NOT expected. My auto-reaction, that is the words that flowed out, "it's time to get a little uncomfortable!" The water turns HOT. Ouch. I turn it down, perfect!

Considering that the first phase of discomfort is to find comfort, then the second phase is to look for opportunities to get a little uncomfortable in small ways, rather than waiting for discomfort to wedge it's way in unexpectedly.

The next day when I woke up to another grey day that looked like it was about to be a rain day, I tried to convince myself that I would not go out and do the jog because it was cold and it might rain. I joyfully started to convince myself it could be an indoor exercise day. That led to thinking that maybe it was a good recovery day since it was cold and grey out. Yes, it could be a good day to get ahead on my projects. Then, I heard that little other voice, "it's time to get a little uncomfortable." Right! I put on my jogging gear and headed out. It was cold, however I warmed up. It did not rain until after I got back. Later, I had noticed that the angst had settled. The difference was not the exercise, I do this every day. It was the mindset shift. I was resisting allowing myself to be uncomfortable and that day the shift was that I made a choice to take action that felt uncomfortable. This mindset has worked in several areas of my life to help me step out of my comfort zone when I notice that I have gotten too comfortable. These little moments I choose to practice being uncomfortable help me get comfortable being uncomfortable. We can't control everything and though we can choose to practice this, there are inevitably going to be moments of big and small discomforts thrust upon us unexpectedly not by choice. How we choose to respond to them is key.

I have presented a way to practice getting uncomfortable and being ok with it, this is a skill and like all skills it takes practice.

The third phase to this, when you find yourself thrust into discomfort, regardless of whether it by choice or challenge, is to hang out there and open yourself to learn.

This is not easy. What I am saying here is that when you notice you are out of the comfort zone and are starting to operate on autopilot by going to all of the solutions to your problems, the answer to the question, the sweatshirt for warmth, the figured out, known, clarity space; Pause. Resist the temptation to respond by changing or making the discomfort go away. Hang out with it. Have a conversation with it. Befriend it. Learn from it. This is how the zone expands. Soon enough, what was uncomfortable will be comfortable and a new boundary will be established. For example, when I first started to jog again, I couldn't jog 1 mile. Jogging at all was uncomfortable. Now, that 1 mile is more comfortable and 3 miles is my new edge.

Why is this relevant to the Point of No Return?

In the beginning of this post, I brought you to a point where the path behind you had been washed out and before you empty space. That empty space for many is not comfortable. The first phase is out of resistance, fear, and panic, you thrash about trying to figure out how you are going to return to comfort of knowing, having solved or figured something out. It's like saying, "Oh no, the road washed out, how am I going to get home?" If you can however, allow yourself to practice being a little uncomfortable and lean into the moment with curiosity, you may discover something that you did not know existed. For instance, perhaps your new home is ahead. The old home may have been comfortable yet it was not serving your best life, your well being, or your dreams. Or, maybe it was just time to make a change. Out of comfort, perhaps you were ignoring or misinterpreting the signs. We can close the door on the signs when they knock, however eventually they will find a way. The question is do you choose to pay attention or wait for the road to wash out? Are you hiding out in your comfort zone trying to prolong the inevitable? It may be time to practice getting a little uncomfortable and if you do it by choice now, little by little, it's far gentler than when you find yourself thrust onto the ledge with a washed out road behind you.

When faced with a decision or a challenge, ask yourself which option feels a little uncomfortable? If they both do, which one feels more uncomfortable? Why? Consider your values, that is what is important to you in life. What are you learning? Is it a lesson you already learned? Sometimes we can stay in unhealthy patterns in the name of challenge and learning thinking that the challenge is uncomfortable, which it is. Yet, if it's a lesson already learned, then stop repeating old lessons. Walk away. This may be an avoidance tactic to procrastinate entering the empty space of if not that, then what next. Sometimes we stay in those cycles saying if this then..... however the universe is waiting for YOU to take the first step. And.... YES, when you are standing on the ledge at the ravine looking out into empty space of the what next in life, it can feel quite uncomfortable to take a step. However, once you do walk away from the old lesson, you have at least created the space for the what next to arrive. If you have not created the space, then you stay where you are ignoring the knocks at you door.

Consider that change is movement. This can mean to break an old pattern you stay the course and see yourself through a challenge. You may want to change to a new situation because the current one is bringing up so much challenge and discomfort that you want to run away to the next best thing. The grass is always greener on both sides. The illusion is that it's green over there because the lighting is different where you are. Adjust your aperture and realize that you are being asked to get comfortable being uncomfortable. You are learning perseverance to stay the course, humility to make mistakes and be wrong, while building the courage to step into your embodied truth by taking loving action even when it does not feel comfortable. It is in this way that you learn and come into knowing.

The hard truth is, once you know you can't unknow. Knowing is knowing. There is no going back. This is the point of no return. Fair warning, the further you go, the more lonely it gets. Many do not want to do the work. They want companionship over traveling the lonely road. They will do everything they can to stay in the unknowing and hide. It isn't easy to know. Knowing comes with responsibility. It's the compassionate people pleaser learning to become a leader challenged with setting a boundary and being unliked. It is the empathic lover who leaves their 20 year relationship with the love of their life because they learn how to value the self and take loving action for self and other. It is the healer who learns to put self first and speak truth rather than hide their gifts. It's the artist who learns to step out with their most vulnerable self and say this is me, I am important and choosing to be seen. It is the person who does it all themself and learns to ask for help. It is the person who loses it all to build their vision. And, quite simply, it is the person who says yes that learns to say no as much as it is the person who says no and learns to say yes.

As the saying goes, chop wood carry water. Over and over again.

The key here is that we have come to a place where the roads have washed out. It's sink or swim time. That is, do the work to transform the density of your energy, expression, thoughts, emotions = swim, or be sunk by the weight of what you carry. This does not mean perfection, it means doing your work. Only you know what that work is based on how honest you are being with yourself. If you open to learn, you allow others to help you grow.

I will leave you here with this for your contemplation: Life is beautiful, like the rose. It takes a rose three to four years to bloom. The bloom may last from a few days to several weeks. Therefore 75% of the time is growth. 25% is bloom.